The very reason I started this blog, is because of my own personal experience with rape and abuse. I was raped in 2000 by a complete stranger who broke into my house. I dealt with it quickly and wrote it off to Karma. But it was only after having the life sucked out of me by a very emotionally abusive ex-husband who became addicted to crystal meth, and resorting to extremely self-destructive behaviour, that I realised what I was meant to learn out of that experience.
I was jumping in and out of abusive toxic relationships and ended up being a sorry mess. I was consumed with toxic thoughts and spent hours crying over relationships that were emptying me up inside. I felt so trapped in the past and in my head that I couldn’t focus on my current surroundings, my career or my friends in a healthy manner.
It was only after making the decision not to get involved with anyone for a while, and coming to my senses, that I started to heal. The only way I knew how to drown out my thoughts and be in the moment, was by focusing on my senses. I did this by surrounding myself with my girlfriends, and laughing. They say laughter is the best medicine. I can certainly vouch for that.
The valuable lesson I had to learn about my experience was about setting healthy boundaries. Now listen, we don’t choose to be raped and stalked and abused. We don’t choose to be drugged and have our things destroyed and to be threatened. We don’t choose financial ruin. There are times when you don’t see these things coming and they hit you like a Tsunami.
Once upon a time, I had it all. And then I lost EVERYTHING. But what I gained was the knowledge that in order for one to transform into something healthier and whole, a proverbial death needs to take place. Death of finances. Death of assets. Death of friendships. Death of, what felt like, everything.
I started healing by embracing my senses. I watched a lot of ‘feel good’ movies. Movies that made me laugh. Movies about music and food. Movies about love. I listened to feel good music and danced around the room on my own. I exercised and moved my body. I visited food markets, art galleries and museums (on my own) and savoured the colour and shape of everything my eyes consumed. I started creating and making things. Everything from gardening and planting, to herbs and making crafts.
I cooked these wonderfully creative dishes for myself and drowned myself in culinary bliss, on my own, writing about my experience. I remember having these long languishing aromatherapy baths, with candlelight and incense and soulful music in the background, being completely selfish. I spent a lot of time outdoors, sapping up the fresh air, the smell of my surroundings and the sounds of nature. The ocean – in particular – was especially healing for me. There were times, when I was so financially strapped, that I never had petrol in my car to go anywhere. So I spent time in nature and creating. It’s amazing what you can do without money. Well, I learned this the hard way.
Of course, after the initial trauma of my experiences, I went for therapy. I needed it. I needed someone neutral to act as a professional springboard. NEVER use your friends and family as a therapist! It’s so unfair and they generally become too emotionally involved. During the coaching / therapy I was going for, I learned a valuable technique, called the detachment technique. It taught me how to separate myself emotionally from my thoughts and my ego. How to observe myself and acknowledge my feelings and emotions from a soul perspective. It’s very deep and meditational and I will save this for another post.
I read self-help books, meditated, spent a lot of time in quiet contemplation. I also kept a journal, writing EVERYTHING down that came into my head, including my anger. I had SO much anger I needed to get out. I also started keeping a gratitude journal.
I was basically, ‘dating’ myself and doing everything that made ME happy, and learning how to fall in love with myself. And I eventually got to a point where I started taking my own power back. I started standing up for myself, and fighting for myself, setting healthy boundaries, and learning how to say NO. Do you have any idea how empowering it feels to say NO, and not feel bad about it. Just a simple and polite NO. What people think of me is none of my business. It’s when they step in to my circle however, becoming manipulative and emotionally aggressive, that it becomes my business.
We teach people how to treat us. They get away with what we allow. We can’t force people to respect us, but we can certainly refuse to be disrespected, by setting healthy boundaries in a kind and assertive manner. Without feeling guilty, and without over-explaining ourselves.
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